27/03/2011

10:41AM
yesterday, i recalled something from my past... a brother... who is very important to me before he pass away... i remembered once that he worried me... i didnt want to sleep that time at his place... or to say i couldnt sleep so i wanted to play his computer for a while... he got angry and he carries me from the chair to the bed... he off the lights... hug me hard and never let go... until i fall asleep... i did struggle that time.. and i remembered hurting him... i cried the other morning... but he said nothing and hug me... his warm body and hand brush over my hair... he is the only one treating me like someone... someone who is my idol... yet i always acted like her... so he treated me like her as well.... how i wish he could be alive... how i wish to see him one last time... how i wish to hear him scold me again... this is the time i really need him... maybe people will think im childish... i admit it... im childish in my inner heart... my outer heart can be a wild to you... brother, i really wish you are here....

18/03/2011

When i woke up this morning, i tried to recall what happened last night... i couldnt accept the fact that i did say something like that to someone... My heart aches... My emotion is gaining control... is it because of that "sick" or im thinking too much? deep in my heart i truly love him, but my feelings tell me to get away from him... i standing in between a grass and wet land... almost fall apart... i did try to fall sleep and never wake up... but deep in my heart there is someone calling me... not to sleep... because if i do that, he will be very sad and he will hate me forever... if that can make him forget about me, then i will do it... as long as he is happy with his new life, new lover... Oni-sama, gomenasai... anatawa hontoni kawaiiso ja nante... watashiwa shinjiteru... anatawa shiyawasen... minna no ishogenme... oni-sama no hontoni sabishii...

17/03/2011

Sakura learnt something very important, she remembered from what her father said...that was the time her father Clow Reed gave her a pet, a chinchilla... very cute... one day it died... Sakura was very sad... Her father saw her so sad and try to comfort her and ask her why is she sad... Sakura beg her father to revive the poor thing... but Sakura's father rejected... he smiled and say:"No matter what power or magic in this world cannot bring the lost back to life, thats why life is precious and also people cherish it and live to its fullest"... Ever since the earthquake, the tsunami... people are dying and bodies are counted... people around the world knows about this news but not everyone pray for them... Sakura lost someone, someone very important to her...  when thought of what her father said... that person is no longer a matter... if he doesnt want her... then she just will give up... afterall, he had many others ... there are many people in this world could replaced her... After the long thinking Sakura only prays for the other people can be safe and pray for no more disasters... believe in each other... pray from the heart... people will be able to stand up and stand still... people will be able to feel your purity of heart... right? Father? :)
9:29PM
No matter how much memory you gave me, no matter what happened in the past... its a past... even if one day i lost my memories and died... you dont need to bring me travel around to recover those memories... what lost is lost, you can never bring it back...have you ever thought of the past is hurt for me? that i dont want to remember? you can just gave me the new you right? I wish to have happy memories with you... let me know the new you... can i?

16/03/2011

Today, Sakura misses Syaron... she feel lonely and empty... without his voice, his photo, it makes her feel pain... something happened between the 2 of them... Sakura got sick... a sick that maybe not be able to cure... Syaoran  feels something wrong about Sakura, but Sakura denies it and pretend nothing happened... but deep in her heart she afraid to let him know because Syaoran will worry... When Sakura departs from her country to somewhere far far away that she may not be able to see Syaoran again... She drop her tears, once again... not because Syaoran didnt turn up but happy with Syaoran giving her so much memories... it is really a pain for her... they both have different feelings for each other... sometimes Sakura tends to give up everything ...even the memories for Syaoran...but seeing Syaoran always feel hurt when Sakura says that... she stop and hope to see him again... just once more...

8:44AM
It is a usual morning, Sakura waiting for Syaoran... yesterday she had a dream about Syaoran again...This is the second day Syaoran didnt talk to her... Maybe she is not important in his heart... he had many other people to care him... Sakura can be just a tool to him... by saying this, Sakura hearts had been polluted... She become uncertain of her feelings. Sakura just wish that Syaoran could tell her that she is important too... Maybe Syaoran is busy with his work... or maybe he is doing something else that Sakura didnt know... Sakura feels headache, her memories are fading... begin to forget many things...

13 March 2011

How should i describe today? should i be happy? or should i be sad? I already trying my best to tell him what happened... but it seems like it didnt work... even though i know he wont mind what happened to me... i just cannot accept it myself... even though the feelings are the same ... we can only be brothers... that is what he really wanted... i really scared to lose him... i also scared to accept him... im afraid here... i dream about him last night... there was a car accident... i died in his arms... seeing his faces again... the memories are fading again... i slowly couldnt remember who he is or met before... he really cared me alot... he will pay attention on every single movement of me... he tried very hard to cheer me up the whole day... i just pretend to smile and laugh out... just to let him ease a bit... i know im not the only brother to him... he had a lot of them... and all of them wanted him to care them as much as me... even his ex hated me... im really headache now... how i wish to sit down and talk to him face to face with all the problems... why did i drop tears yesterday? why did he wanted to see me happy? why would he hold hands very tight to show that he wanted me to stand up? why would he angry  when i continuously ignore his questions? all the memories i gave him was sad... but the memories he wanted me to have is happy... what should i do... i really dont know... i really cant make a decision now...

02/03/2011

The second day of march, nothing special about today... Just that there are something bothering me... i dont know am i be able to do it anymore...as i dunno is he really dont want it anymore or he just wanna say it for making me staying... i still cant sleep peacefully, the nightmares just keep coming to me... i felt sorry for him, i lied to him that i sleep well the whole recent... yesterday had a talk with him... he said the promise still remains... am i pushing him too much? or he really wanted me as a brother? i really dont know what to do... and i told him i need time to think about us... i guess it is better like this because i can think what i really wanted and he can think about what he always wanted... i really cant hide my feelings for him... really wish he could just be positive ... he can be happy... even if im not around anymore... i know he will be... because he had many friends and brothers... he is not alone... not for me... you can just look at my photos then you will know...

19/02/2011

10:05PM
Its been so long that i didnt log in to this blog and write about my life journey... many things happened for these few months... and now im in a relationship... with the guy i loved... he is very kind, caring, loving, and good charisma... he is quite different from other people... maybe this is why he attracted me... recently the nightmares of my past came back again... every single night i suffered the same nightmares all over again and again... if it wasnt the assignment handed down to me, i wont be able to distract from the nightmares... this seperation really makes me sad, but i will miss him everyday... even though he is not a 24/7 guy... somehow, he said i had changed after meeting me... i wonder am i being myself or someone else just for him? everyday im keeping a diary just to let me remember what he said and what is he doing... i think this is the only way i can remember him... my memories are fading... i couldnt remember much things compared to the past... hope the diary really could help me leaving happy memories for him as well as me... im really happy in this relationship now... so brothers dont worry about me after reading this... im not a baby anymore...