Tuesday, February 28, 2012

28/02/2012

16:15pm

Today my body is getting weaker and weaker and im only capable to do some basic activities. I got a lot of bad news all of a sudden, don't know why everything have to come just so suddenly and go so suddenly. I remember there was a programmer who said will create a tower defense game for me called bunny defenders, with the creatures of the wild as tower and defense against the evil wild animals from stealing the bunnies. I guess he already forgotten that this game is the memory for us. I think i can never see that game appear already. He is good in lying just like others, now i only know that how stupid was i during that time.


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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

22/02/2012

08:32am

Im not happy last night,my brother promised me to teach me programming when he come back. But, i waited for the whole night until 12:00 am only came back and say just back. I waited for nothing in return, i really angry and hate him. Why do i always trust him but get this as in return? he didnt even call back to me and ask me no need to wait or something. He doesnt care about me, and i believe that he wont do anything now. He will just sleep and be happy to himself without feeling guilty. Do you think just a few sorry and cover the few hours i wasted just to wait for your teaching? Hello, I got test on thursday and friday. I need your help for my practical test on thursday, i didnt ask you to help my programming assignment. Just for the practical also that hard? You always just know how to say dont take your help as granted.... or what so ever... but do you really have a heart to feel guilty for what you did to me? i know you wont, you will just leave it until i ask again then you only start doing and teach me and wasted another hours for only one question... I guess it is just a waste of time doing so to ask you... just let me fail thats all and not to mention no need to trouble you so much and waste your precious time with your dear. I will never add you back. From now on, you are just a stranger to me. Even if you change now, its too late and i know you wont change. You are just a faker, hypocrite.


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Sunday, February 19, 2012

19/02/2012

10:36am

Yesterday i go around the whole day, i only found out that there are no place i could go anymore. All the places i go will only remind me of him. I only want to forget him. I hate him, why will he make me remember all things about him. Why would he be so cruel to me? why cant i just forget about him? Do you know how hard is it to forget you because of what you did to me? I hate you, i never want to see you again. I almost become crazy. I just want to leave now, i cant stand it anymore. No matter how hard i try. Just let me die? I dont want to live and suffer anymore T^T


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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

14/02/2012

22:10pm

Who will not want to be like a pegasus, to soar in the sky freely with no one to disturb or swim through the depths of the sea with beautiful fins and voice like a mermaid. But these creatures only exist in fairytales, no one ever will believe they are existed until there are evidence to prove it. I like to be free and do whatever i want. To be hate or to be love, it is just based on which side i want to take.I know it wont leave my body without me, and i dont blame it.i appreacite its help for letting me know when time is short you will be able to do what you want.There are many songs that teaches me how to accept my fate. If i got no one to love then learn to love others. If you hurt someone, the more you hurt the more you will able to see the pain, the suffer they had. Then thats the time you will learn how to love. I'm sure everyone does hurt someone at sometime, but to learn to love is a different matter. I never been able to love him and i know i wont be able to love him like his ex. So i guess i choose to love him in behind.


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14/02/2012

10:24am

Another usual morning and single valentine's day, wasnt feel good again yesterday night. I am trying my best to put him down now. I just wish that i never had known him in the first place. I'm having an headache again, it seems that it grows more painful than ever. I dont know about my future, i dont care about my future as well. As long as i can live how i want to live, then it is more than enough for me. Even when every single person in the world hated me of how am i. So be it, i dont have the problem when meeting friends. I just my friends will not suffer what i suffering now, to be happy and be healthy when i will be gone. The date is soon. I must face it. I will not leave any regrets in this place. I want to forget all the unhappy things too. Gambateh Lenneth... Though i miss him, who helped me all along my secondary life...


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Monday, February 13, 2012

13/02/2012

13:36pm

Thanks for my very best friend ING ING, who accompanied the whole night. After what i had been through, last night is the only one night im able to sleep well. I guess no matter what happens to me, he doesnt care. As he mentioned before, he is freaking out now. I hope nothing happens until then as im trying to stay out of his way. If he doesnt want to talk or chat then so be it, i dont mind he doesnt contact me at all. What he did is just a hypocrite. I really dont know what he want,sometimes he will like to chat with me and find me, sometimes he doesnt want and now he said im a freak. I guess i prefer to be alone while looking for the right person to approach me. Almost all of the people i approached are not interested in me, so i guess i will just sit at a side. I still got my brothers, sisters, family.


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Sunday, February 12, 2012

12/02/2012

11:11am

This morning i woke up, i wasnt feeling good... maybe because of what he said last night... makes me feel like im not good for him... i know he doesnt like me, if he feels that im annoyed then i wont find him anymore... suddenly i felt that all the things he said before makes yesterday a different person already... and so my gor bring me go eat breakfast to lighten me up and he treated me the breakfast at Mcdonald... until now i still dont feel the same... is it because of my sickness? or it is because of him? Until now he didnt look for me to chat or anything... maybe he is right, he is freaking out... i shouldnt look for him anymore... i give up... afterall, i might not be able to survive that long too... my sister helped me to book the air ticket already... should be in june to leave malaysia... he is part of my memories now... once i felt that he will be a very important  person to me... now i guess i wont feel that anymore. Nevermind, just let me spend the few more weeks or months before i leave... before what is inside me took me away...


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Saturday, February 11, 2012

11/02/2012

13:41pm
Today i decided to write my blog again to share about me.The last time i wrote is during July. I had a rough time until now. Many things had happened, life and death, war and peace... it is the never ending cycle. Recently, my cousin brother in law passed away and i dont have mood for chinese new year. Now, im worry about my uncle... my mom said he couldnt make it for long... i remembered when i was younger every year i will get a chance to meet him and now cannot anymore... the last i can see him is in the hospital... he had stroke before and now he cant remember most of us and getting worse... i just hope he will be able to leave peacely without any pain or suffering...

Monday, July 11, 2011

11/07/2011

4:42pm
Finally, a long long time didnt write anything and so i decided to write something... Everyday we thought that the world is in peace and harmony... but what are peace and harmony? no war? no blood shed? no fight? the world in justice? i really dont know... peace and harmony only exist for a while... there is no eternal calm, or peace and harmony... war comes from the evil of an individual heart while peace come from ones mind... As i see, heard how the people cried, how the people died, how the people feel sad about the matters of our world... i feel like we cant do much for all people... i dont know about death or birth,,, i just hope that i can still move on my journey until the day i left this world... if im a valkyrie, what will i do? will i pity the death and not to collect them? i think i can understand now why the gods sealed her memories, because the feelings she had will affect her duty... i dont think i can be like the valkyries... i dont think i have the courage to face all the sorrow, sadness, angry of the people...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

22/06/2011

3 more days and i will be back to kl and see my doctor regarding my sickness, had been taking medicine for these 2 weeks... i dont think it helps anything...today is kinda bad day for me, im late for the assignment submission, had been overslept due to late sleeping, i never sleep more than 8 hours ever since i got back from kl 2 weeks ago... doctor say i should have taken enough rest and dont force myself to classes, he said before he will like to write a letter to college regarding my sickness but i rejected him, because i just wish that i still can go to class normally wont cause anyone trouble, but actually i had been causing a lot troubles to my friends and classmates...i feel so bad today, caused a lot trouble to everyone especially my groupmates... i just want to finish the assignment, i just wish to do what i can before im getting worst... im just being selfish... today, i feel my heart starting to getting pain for a moment as it feels like something is grabbing my heart and crushing it... the pain is bearable for a while but not for long... i guess this means that the time has come for me... my leg is feeling energy-less everyday now... i just hope i can still stand until i get my injection... im trying my best to blend in and act as normal as i can already... i guess only through blogging could release the ache in my heart... this is the first time i ever scolded someone and use my sickness to shut him up through phone in public... i felt so bad... maybe people cant control most of the things in most of the times...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

15/06/2011

慢慢的可以接受我的病情了。慢慢的也习惯了单身的生活。遇过很多人,也被人骗过很多次。终于,还是单身。看来,还是要慢慢来而且要等很久。我忽然发觉,其实慢慢的喜欢一个人,慢慢的和他知道对一点,慢慢的感受和他经历的事情,其实可以是很愉快的。。。所以还是慢慢来吧。。。不知不觉,已经是吃药的第五天了。。。还是没有什么改变。。。这几天吃的都是面包,粥和面。。。很想念吃饭的日子。。。很想念吃零食的日子。。。现在吃饭都麻烦到大家了。。。就因为我的病,他们就迁就我去吃我能吃的地方。。。真的很对不起他们。。。尤其是我的好姐妹。。。要她接受这个病情。。。很难得了。。。再多一个礼拜+两天。。。就要看医生了。。。如果这些要帮不到我的话。。。唯一剩下的就是打针和开刀。。。会好回吗?还可以见到我想见的人吗?我还可以见我哥哥吗?我还可以和我好姐妹一起毕业吗?我还可以和我同班同学一起上课吗?我不知道,我只能相信我自己。。。现在做好自己的功课,上课,吃药,照顾自己就可以了。。。很感谢很多朋友,哥哥,弟弟,姊妹,家人的支持。。。^^
Slowly by slowly, day by day pass by, now i can accept my sickness, my single life. had met a lot of kind of people, and got cheated by a lot of people as well...in the end, im still single i guess if everything get slowly maybe i can have another way of life... slowly know each other, take times... but it is worth ... i now prefer spending time together much then only start dating...it has been five days for my medication, it seems that there is no changes for it... my meals for nowadays are just breads, porridge, and noodles... i missed the rice, the soup, the fast foods...i feel guilty for my friends, especially my best friend who had accompanied me these few days, they eat at places where only i can eat...and for her to bear my secret is really very appreciate her... now to my next visit of my doctor is 1 week plus 2 days... if the medication didnt work, means that i will need injection and operation... will i get better? will i be able to meet the one who i wanted to meet? will i be able to meet my gor? will i be able to graduate with my sister? will i be able to study with my classmates? i dont know, all i can do is to believe in myself, and do my homework, go for classes, eat my medicine, take care of myself then its enough, i really appreciated all my brothers, sisters, friends and family supporting me this whole period....

Saturday, June 11, 2011

11/06/2011

今天,看到一个电视节目。是说一个家庭里。。。。爸妈是聋的。。。大儿子,因为没有得到好的沟通方式就导致他说话有点不准。。。他是正常的。。。只有他会和爸妈用手语沟通。。。二弟,三弟都不会。。。当我看到了后,我想起了一件事。。。以后我是否倒转来呢?是我爸妈为了我去学手语。。。就为了和我沟通而去学。。。觉得自己很不孝。。。长得那么大了,还要爸爸妈妈为我担心。。。我现在很好。。。我喜欢现在。。。我不想要以后。。。我不想再也叫不到他们“爸爸,妈妈”。。。我也不想以后不能叫我姐,我哥,我弟,我妹,还有我朋友们。。。我不想成为大家的负担。。。因为我一个人带给很多人的麻烦。。。我没有怪过病魔为什么会选择我。。。我只是想要病魔给我多一点时间,去做我想做的事。。。去完成我想要完成的事。。。

11/06/2011

刚看了医生,医生说我提出的症状很严重。。。医生说:“不是大颈包,是点头鲜(Tonsilitis)”。。。有开刀的需要。。。但是,现在他想观察一下我的病情。。。三年前的四月20号就已经开始了。。。医生给我四种药。。。全部都苦苦。。。要吃两个礼拜。。。有点辛苦。。。所以只好吃药。。。我不想拖时间。。。我想要和我的好姊妹一起毕业。。。我不想丢下她一个人在学校上课。。。三年的感情。。。很喜欢她。。。她知道了我的病情也很担心。。。手震,喉咙痛,脚没力,不能进食,说话很辛苦。。。这些都是我现在面对着的。。。我会哑巴吗?家人会讨厌我吗?我一直以来都是他们的负担而已。。。如果没有这个病,是否很多人都会一样的对待我呢?是否恋情就会成功呢?是否可以做我喜欢做的事情呢?跌倒的次数越来越多了。。。很怕到了没有医的地步。。。很想很想要遇到可以不介意我的人。。。很想要一段长久的恋情。。。:(

Saturday, June 4, 2011

04/06/2011

原来,我不是害怕手术。。。而是,我会害怕手术后的日子会改变。。。我担心的是,我无法再用声音来表达我的心声了。。。很奇怪,当我去帮那些有需要的人我会很开心。。。当自己想起,自己被帮的时候就会怕麻烦到朋友。。。我现在很开心,上课有同班同学,外面有哥哥疼,家里有家人,我觉得我真的很幸福。当我真的不能再说话了,又有人会爱我吗?不会把我当成包袱来看待。。。我又会不会给身边的人带来麻烦。。。我真的不知道,我没什么好朋友。。。有的都走得7788了...虽然很想念他们,但是也不能一直在原地站住啊。。。要往前走。。。开始可能会有点不能接受,过后应该可以适应的。。。当我听到医生说要做手术的时候,我很怕。。。现在听到了不做的后果,我就不怕手术只怕不做而已。。。当我成了哑巴,又是否朋友会真心的对待我?最近病发得很密,现在打字都不是看得很清楚,走路也有点不尽力,应该是不够睡的关系吧。。。下个礼拜就要去看医生了。。。看了后如果必须进院就要进了。。。昨天发了一个梦,梦见我哑了。。。我家人很照顾我,虽然很长气,也很烦。。。可是,都是为我好的。。。如果我真的说不到话了,就真的是对不起我家人了。。。养了我那么大,是时候照顾他们。。。反而,还要他们担心。。。我会加油的。。。在报告还没出来之前我会好好地利用我时间来帮我还能帮的人。。。^^

小俊。。。加油哦。。。^^

Friday, June 3, 2011

03/06/2011

I do not know what i had done, that my brother ask his friend come and tell me not to find him anymore... i just want to find him to talk about my driving test passed... is there anything wrong about it? so im just a tool? a toy to him? a toy to satisfy his needs? i just really dont know what happened... am i that bad to you all? am i really that hated? must i be hated? when will anyone tell me the truth without leaving me first? isnt there anyone i like who can like me back? why is this so unfair? T^T why people have to be hated, sad, grief...

Friday, May 27, 2011

27/05/2011

11:22pm
i wonder how long has it been, since i discovered the parasite... 3 years? i guess it has been that long... i wonder how it looks like now... never had the time to see it... the doctor says it is just a small surgery, i really do hope it is a very small surgery...  the reason i plan to take that surgery is because of someone... before we seperate, i promise him to take care of myself... so i have to take it and wont make him worry... in the end, i get nothing but a seperate from him... i think it is better for us also... we didnt know each other much... maybe im the one who make him cannot breathe... there are few months left for me to see him... if only he could say how he really feels for me...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

26/05/2011

6:22pm
even though now i lost him... i still have to go on... i still need to face the surgery... a couple of months later will be my surgery day, the day i always fear of... i wonder what will happen that day... will i be able to do something i wanted? will i be able to achieved what i want? will i be able to see the people i wanted? i really dont know about it now... but one thing i can confirm now is that im scared of the surgery day... even though the doctor say is a small surgery but i still dont know how to face it... even though the parasite has been living in me for many years, feels like lose something if i get rid of it... next tuesday will be the day i take my driving test, i hope i can pass it... my driving skills are not that good actually... but i know what to do... i got my friends supported me... even without a lover i can do it myself... i just hope i have enough strength to face it... nowadays, i had a nightmare that a doctor is using a surgery knife cutting my stomach into half, or open my arms to get something out... (watch too much CSI >.<) haha.... its quite funny now thinking of it... it wont be as awful as the nightmare i suppose... i just wish that he wont know anything, even if he knows it will pretend to not knowing it... he is the only one i dont wish to be sad because of me... i know i cant feel his warmth anymore, but i will remember his warmth forever... his face is fierce sometimes, but he is actually a very kind person... his inner gentle really makes me no reason to fall in love with him... i know he didnt mean to hurt me... he also wish to love me... but our love is in the wrong time... maybe i will just wait for him... one day, maybe if im still alive to see him... we will be together... ^^

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

24/05/2011

9:00PM
我们分手了。。。很伤心。。。想抱着他,很想念他,很想念他的味道。。。我现在不能再得到了。。。我现在只能抱着我的宝贝。。。我的小思念哭。。。为他祈祷,祝福他。。。希望他会快乐,开心。。。遇到挫折不会放弃。。。现在的我真的很想念他。。。只怪自己不能体谅他。。。不给他时间。。。我们第一次见的时候是在课室外面,他那时候穿橙色衣,长袖,戴眼镜,用着很温柔的语气和我道歉。。。然后,我们就去吃午餐,那时候食堂卖剩了一块炸薯片,很好吃的很了一点给他。。。我们很开心的聊,也回去我家收拾东西,去他家因为要搭火车回kl学车。。。那时候还骗他说没有课,其实是逃课。。。他没有责怪我,反而告诉我不要再这样了。。。就算多么的想他都要好好的读书。。。课不可以逃。。。我答应了他。。。第一次哭了,他很心疼的样子安慰我。。。为了看我笑回他不惜一切的方法让我笑回。。。那时候,教他功课到三点早上。。。有点不舒服,他很担心我。。。每天都问我吃了药吗。。。有休息吗。。。之类的。。。所以,在回金宝之前。。。我做了一盒饼干,和做了小思念给他。。。小思念的出生日子是我们的第一天,我们的纪念日。。。可是,过后。。。太多误会了。。。到我胃病时,我不敢告诉他。。。因为不想拖累他。。。下个礼拜他要考试了。。。很想帮他温习功课,不想他不及格。。。我已经尽我能力的忍耐了。。。可是,还是在他面前撑不下去。。。他发现了。。。我没说什么事,他就生气了。。。忍不住告诉他了,没吃到东西。。。他又生气了。。。他做了一半的功课然后就带我去吃了。。。他说了很多话,全部都是为我好的。。。我知道他很担心。。。我也知错了。。。回到家。。。抱着他的时候,我才知道我是多么的麻烦。。。我是个麻烦精。。。害他不能温习功课,令到他担心,令到他心疼。。。他只是说:“你不是麻烦精”。。。那时候,我真的才知道原来我是真正的爱他了。。。现在分手了,可能没机会可以再见到他了。。。如果可以的话,我真的不希望分手。。。因为,我真的还很爱他。。。还是很想他。。。还是很想听到他温柔又man的声音。。。很想抱着他。。。很想和他度过每一天。。。我不介意我会做他的二奶。。。我只是想可以在一起就是了。。。但是,我觉得没机会了。。。

24/05/2011

7:51am
Yesterday, my gastric pain again... i just buy lunch for him... i couldnt buy mine as well... so, i just bought his lunch and bring it to him... he is late for class already.... and then when he finish class and i doing revision with him that time, pain come already... at first, he angry me that i didnt tell him anything... but after a while he saw me very pain then started to worry le... after i tell him everything he scold me... i feel bad... he is right, if i sick, then i cannot teach him do homework, cannot take care him, make him worry, he say he saw me pain until like this his heart very pain, he cannot feel the pain i have but he still hurt in the inside... i feel like im so troublesome, i caused so many trouble to him... i make him worry, make him sad, make him revision a bit only then bring me go to eat something... i really feel sorry for him... because, he did not angry me... but still love me and care me so much... when i cry, he wipe my tears away and use his kind voice to comfort me...so i have decided to be happy with him... i will try my best to prevent this to happen again... i dont want him to worry me anymore... seeing his worry face... seeing him scold me and care me again... is really a bad thing... i shouldnt make him worry me...
5:56pm
Today, i feel so sad and so dissapointed... i thought tonight could be at somewhere... but it turns out that i will be alone at home... i guess i shouldnt put so much hope in anything... no matter how i listen to him, how i wish he could bring me somewhere... just anywhere i will be happy as long as he is spending time with me... maybe is because we are not real... maybe because just only i have feel on him... from the beginning i know that we are impossible already, he say he dont know how to be top... so he treat me cold like this... when i not saying anything then he will angry... when i say anything he will ask me to shut up... i wish i could just stop crying now... my gor ask me to not give up... be patient with him... but, for now i feel like i cant bear the pain anymore... he will never know how i feel... he will never know how sad am i... all he cares about is others than me... i dont feel so good now... i should just go rest... :(

Sunday, May 22, 2011

22/05/2011

21:43pm
being a mistress is not as easy as you thought.... as you fall in love with one man, he loves another one... i guess, when the time comes for him to choose between us... i know he will choose him... maybe he got other mistresses as well... i really dont know anything now... but i do know something... and that is as long as i love him, to see him happy, to take care of him, to be at his side when he needs me... that is already more than enough to me... to be able to see him, to be able to hear him... this is what i will treasure now... for our moments is not much... he asked me to change, but i know i cant change, even if i want... i cant break the promise i made to my brother... i promise him before i will remain the same... there are difficulties when facing two men...