11:22pm
i wonder how long has it been, since i discovered the parasite... 3 years? i guess it has been that long... i wonder how it looks like now... never had the time to see it... the doctor says it is just a small surgery, i really do hope it is a very small surgery... the reason i plan to take that surgery is because of someone... before we seperate, i promise him to take care of myself... so i have to take it and wont make him worry... in the end, i get nothing but a seperate from him... i think it is better for us also... we didnt know each other much... maybe im the one who make him cannot breathe... there are few months left for me to see him... if only he could say how he really feels for me...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
26/05/2011
6:22pm
even though now i lost him... i still have to go on... i still need to face the surgery... a couple of months later will be my surgery day, the day i always fear of... i wonder what will happen that day... will i be able to do something i wanted? will i be able to achieved what i want? will i be able to see the people i wanted? i really dont know about it now... but one thing i can confirm now is that im scared of the surgery day... even though the doctor say is a small surgery but i still dont know how to face it... even though the parasite has been living in me for many years, feels like lose something if i get rid of it... next tuesday will be the day i take my driving test, i hope i can pass it... my driving skills are not that good actually... but i know what to do... i got my friends supported me... even without a lover i can do it myself... i just hope i have enough strength to face it... nowadays, i had a nightmare that a doctor is using a surgery knife cutting my stomach into half, or open my arms to get something out... (watch too much CSI >.<) haha.... its quite funny now thinking of it... it wont be as awful as the nightmare i suppose... i just wish that he wont know anything, even if he knows it will pretend to not knowing it... he is the only one i dont wish to be sad because of me... i know i cant feel his warmth anymore, but i will remember his warmth forever... his face is fierce sometimes, but he is actually a very kind person... his inner gentle really makes me no reason to fall in love with him... i know he didnt mean to hurt me... he also wish to love me... but our love is in the wrong time... maybe i will just wait for him... one day, maybe if im still alive to see him... we will be together... ^^
even though now i lost him... i still have to go on... i still need to face the surgery... a couple of months later will be my surgery day, the day i always fear of... i wonder what will happen that day... will i be able to do something i wanted? will i be able to achieved what i want? will i be able to see the people i wanted? i really dont know about it now... but one thing i can confirm now is that im scared of the surgery day... even though the doctor say is a small surgery but i still dont know how to face it... even though the parasite has been living in me for many years, feels like lose something if i get rid of it... next tuesday will be the day i take my driving test, i hope i can pass it... my driving skills are not that good actually... but i know what to do... i got my friends supported me... even without a lover i can do it myself... i just hope i have enough strength to face it... nowadays, i had a nightmare that a doctor is using a surgery knife cutting my stomach into half, or open my arms to get something out... (watch too much CSI >.<) haha.... its quite funny now thinking of it... it wont be as awful as the nightmare i suppose... i just wish that he wont know anything, even if he knows it will pretend to not knowing it... he is the only one i dont wish to be sad because of me... i know i cant feel his warmth anymore, but i will remember his warmth forever... his face is fierce sometimes, but he is actually a very kind person... his inner gentle really makes me no reason to fall in love with him... i know he didnt mean to hurt me... he also wish to love me... but our love is in the wrong time... maybe i will just wait for him... one day, maybe if im still alive to see him... we will be together... ^^
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
24/05/2011
9:00PM
我们分手了。。。很伤心。。。想抱着他，很想念他，很想念他的味道。。。我现在不能再得到了。。。我现在只能抱着我的宝贝。。。我的小思念哭。。。为他祈祷，祝福他。。。希望他会快乐，开心。。。遇到挫折不会放弃。。。现在的我真的很想念他。。。只怪自己不能体谅他。。。不给他时间。。。我们第一次见的时候是在课室外面，他那时候穿橙色衣，长袖，戴眼镜，用着很温柔的语气和我道歉。。。然后，我们就去吃午餐，那时候食堂卖剩了一块炸薯片，很好吃的很了一点给他。。。我们很开心的聊，也回去我家收拾东西，去他家因为要搭火车回kl学车。。。那时候还骗他说没有课，其实是逃课。。。他没有责怪我，反而告诉我不要再这样了。。。就算多么的想他都要好好的读书。。。课不可以逃。。。我答应了他。。。第一次哭了，他很心疼的样子安慰我。。。为了看我笑回他不惜一切的方法让我笑回。。。那时候，教他功课到三点早上。。。有点不舒服，他很担心我。。。每天都问我吃了药吗。。。有休息吗。。。之类的。。。所以，在回金宝之前。。。我做了一盒饼干，和做了小思念给他。。。小思念的出生日子是我们的第一天，我们的纪念日。。。可是，过后。。。太多误会了。。。到我胃病时，我不敢告诉他。。。因为不想拖累他。。。下个礼拜他要考试了。。。很想帮他温习功课，不想他不及格。。。我已经尽我能力的忍耐了。。。可是，还是在他面前撑不下去。。。他发现了。。。我没说什么事，他就生气了。。。忍不住告诉他了，没吃到东西。。。他又生气了。。。他做了一半的功课然后就带我去吃了。。。他说了很多话，全部都是为我好的。。。我知道他很担心。。。我也知错了。。。回到家。。。抱着他的时候，我才知道我是多么的麻烦。。。我是个麻烦精。。。害他不能温习功课，令到他担心，令到他心疼。。。他只是说：“你不是麻烦精”。。。那时候，我真的才知道原来我是真正的爱他了。。。现在分手了，可能没机会可以再见到他了。。。如果可以的话，我真的不希望分手。。。因为，我真的还很爱他。。。还是很想他。。。还是很想听到他温柔又man的声音。。。很想抱着他。。。很想和他度过每一天。。。我不介意我会做他的二奶。。。我只是想可以在一起就是了。。。但是，我觉得没机会了。。。
我们分手了。。。很伤心。。。想抱着他，很想念他，很想念他的味道。。。我现在不能再得到了。。。我现在只能抱着我的宝贝。。。我的小思念哭。。。为他祈祷，祝福他。。。希望他会快乐，开心。。。遇到挫折不会放弃。。。现在的我真的很想念他。。。只怪自己不能体谅他。。。不给他时间。。。我们第一次见的时候是在课室外面，他那时候穿橙色衣，长袖，戴眼镜，用着很温柔的语气和我道歉。。。然后，我们就去吃午餐，那时候食堂卖剩了一块炸薯片，很好吃的很了一点给他。。。我们很开心的聊，也回去我家收拾东西，去他家因为要搭火车回kl学车。。。那时候还骗他说没有课，其实是逃课。。。他没有责怪我，反而告诉我不要再这样了。。。就算多么的想他都要好好的读书。。。课不可以逃。。。我答应了他。。。第一次哭了，他很心疼的样子安慰我。。。为了看我笑回他不惜一切的方法让我笑回。。。那时候，教他功课到三点早上。。。有点不舒服，他很担心我。。。每天都问我吃了药吗。。。有休息吗。。。之类的。。。所以，在回金宝之前。。。我做了一盒饼干，和做了小思念给他。。。小思念的出生日子是我们的第一天，我们的纪念日。。。可是，过后。。。太多误会了。。。到我胃病时，我不敢告诉他。。。因为不想拖累他。。。下个礼拜他要考试了。。。很想帮他温习功课，不想他不及格。。。我已经尽我能力的忍耐了。。。可是，还是在他面前撑不下去。。。他发现了。。。我没说什么事，他就生气了。。。忍不住告诉他了，没吃到东西。。。他又生气了。。。他做了一半的功课然后就带我去吃了。。。他说了很多话，全部都是为我好的。。。我知道他很担心。。。我也知错了。。。回到家。。。抱着他的时候，我才知道我是多么的麻烦。。。我是个麻烦精。。。害他不能温习功课，令到他担心，令到他心疼。。。他只是说：“你不是麻烦精”。。。那时候，我真的才知道原来我是真正的爱他了。。。现在分手了，可能没机会可以再见到他了。。。如果可以的话，我真的不希望分手。。。因为，我真的还很爱他。。。还是很想他。。。还是很想听到他温柔又man的声音。。。很想抱着他。。。很想和他度过每一天。。。我不介意我会做他的二奶。。。我只是想可以在一起就是了。。。但是，我觉得没机会了。。。
24/05/2011
7:51am
Yesterday, my gastric pain again... i just buy lunch for him... i couldnt buy mine as well... so, i just bought his lunch and bring it to him... he is late for class already.... and then when he finish class and i doing revision with him that time, pain come already... at first, he angry me that i didnt tell him anything... but after a while he saw me very pain then started to worry le... after i tell him everything he scold me... i feel bad... he is right, if i sick, then i cannot teach him do homework, cannot take care him, make him worry, he say he saw me pain until like this his heart very pain, he cannot feel the pain i have but he still hurt in the inside... i feel like im so troublesome, i caused so many trouble to him... i make him worry, make him sad, make him revision a bit only then bring me go to eat something... i really feel sorry for him... because, he did not angry me... but still love me and care me so much... when i cry, he wipe my tears away and use his kind voice to comfort me...so i have decided to be happy with him... i will try my best to prevent this to happen again... i dont want him to worry me anymore... seeing his worry face... seeing him scold me and care me again... is really a bad thing... i shouldnt make him worry me...
5:56pm
Today, i feel so sad and so dissapointed... i thought tonight could be at somewhere... but it turns out that i will be alone at home... i guess i shouldnt put so much hope in anything... no matter how i listen to him, how i wish he could bring me somewhere... just anywhere i will be happy as long as he is spending time with me... maybe is because we are not real... maybe because just only i have feel on him... from the beginning i know that we are impossible already, he say he dont know how to be top... so he treat me cold like this... when i not saying anything then he will angry... when i say anything he will ask me to shut up... i wish i could just stop crying now... my gor ask me to not give up... be patient with him... but, for now i feel like i cant bear the pain anymore... he will never know how i feel... he will never know how sad am i... all he cares about is others than me... i dont feel so good now... i should just go rest... :(
Yesterday, my gastric pain again... i just buy lunch for him... i couldnt buy mine as well... so, i just bought his lunch and bring it to him... he is late for class already.... and then when he finish class and i doing revision with him that time, pain come already... at first, he angry me that i didnt tell him anything... but after a while he saw me very pain then started to worry le... after i tell him everything he scold me... i feel bad... he is right, if i sick, then i cannot teach him do homework, cannot take care him, make him worry, he say he saw me pain until like this his heart very pain, he cannot feel the pain i have but he still hurt in the inside... i feel like im so troublesome, i caused so many trouble to him... i make him worry, make him sad, make him revision a bit only then bring me go to eat something... i really feel sorry for him... because, he did not angry me... but still love me and care me so much... when i cry, he wipe my tears away and use his kind voice to comfort me...so i have decided to be happy with him... i will try my best to prevent this to happen again... i dont want him to worry me anymore... seeing his worry face... seeing him scold me and care me again... is really a bad thing... i shouldnt make him worry me...
5:56pm
Today, i feel so sad and so dissapointed... i thought tonight could be at somewhere... but it turns out that i will be alone at home... i guess i shouldnt put so much hope in anything... no matter how i listen to him, how i wish he could bring me somewhere... just anywhere i will be happy as long as he is spending time with me... maybe is because we are not real... maybe because just only i have feel on him... from the beginning i know that we are impossible already, he say he dont know how to be top... so he treat me cold like this... when i not saying anything then he will angry... when i say anything he will ask me to shut up... i wish i could just stop crying now... my gor ask me to not give up... be patient with him... but, for now i feel like i cant bear the pain anymore... he will never know how i feel... he will never know how sad am i... all he cares about is others than me... i dont feel so good now... i should just go rest... :(
Sunday, May 22, 2011
22/05/2011
21:43pm
being a mistress is not as easy as you thought.... as you fall in love with one man, he loves another one... i guess, when the time comes for him to choose between us... i know he will choose him... maybe he got other mistresses as well... i really dont know anything now... but i do know something... and that is as long as i love him, to see him happy, to take care of him, to be at his side when he needs me... that is already more than enough to me... to be able to see him, to be able to hear him... this is what i will treasure now... for our moments is not much... he asked me to change, but i know i cant change, even if i want... i cant break the promise i made to my brother... i promise him before i will remain the same... there are difficulties when facing two men...
being a mistress is not as easy as you thought.... as you fall in love with one man, he loves another one... i guess, when the time comes for him to choose between us... i know he will choose him... maybe he got other mistresses as well... i really dont know anything now... but i do know something... and that is as long as i love him, to see him happy, to take care of him, to be at his side when he needs me... that is already more than enough to me... to be able to see him, to be able to hear him... this is what i will treasure now... for our moments is not much... he asked me to change, but i know i cant change, even if i want... i cant break the promise i made to my brother... i promise him before i will remain the same... there are difficulties when facing two men...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
15/05/2011
9：00AM
Even though this morning it is not raining... but my tears is falling rapidly like rain... my heart dripping bloods, as my bones crush into pieces... i did something horrible to my brother... i didnt know that guy was his bf... i thought i could just chat with him nicely... just now my brother warn me not to find his bf anymore... he knows who am i and he dont wish me to find him anymore... when i see this message, i really feel like there is no brotherly love between us before... he didnt trust me... he didnt believe in me... he hated me... i know im a slut... a money boy... a scum... but words from a brother like that really do hurt me... i have try my best to be better already... 死性不改。。。i believe this chinese phrase is true and symbolise me... i cannot be change, i cannot be helped... even my brother could hate me... i just delete him, and his bf as well... i really dont like this feeling now... No matter how many things i shared with him, no matter how much i revealed to him about me... i only wish to receive grace, forgiveness, gentle care, kindness from him... he is the second one, leaving me... i guess i really dont deserve a true love from anyone anymore... maybe i should just leave...
Even though this morning it is not raining... but my tears is falling rapidly like rain... my heart dripping bloods, as my bones crush into pieces... i did something horrible to my brother... i didnt know that guy was his bf... i thought i could just chat with him nicely... just now my brother warn me not to find his bf anymore... he knows who am i and he dont wish me to find him anymore... when i see this message, i really feel like there is no brotherly love between us before... he didnt trust me... he didnt believe in me... he hated me... i know im a slut... a money boy... a scum... but words from a brother like that really do hurt me... i have try my best to be better already... 死性不改。。。i believe this chinese phrase is true and symbolise me... i cannot be change, i cannot be helped... even my brother could hate me... i just delete him, and his bf as well... i really dont like this feeling now... No matter how many things i shared with him, no matter how much i revealed to him about me... i only wish to receive grace, forgiveness, gentle care, kindness from him... he is the second one, leaving me... i guess i really dont deserve a true love from anyone anymore... maybe i should just leave...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
14/05/2011
10:16AM
Yesterday, i went shopping with my sister...but i learn driving in the morning... so terrible...after that we went to times square for our movie by e-payment... Priest... not so exciting at all... then we go to look for my travel bags in times square... we ate alfredo chicken in papa john's with a cream of mushroom soup and cheese sticks... >.< i cannot forget the tasty little meal... then we go for low yat... to hun for my laptop bags and speakers... so happy... spend about RM320++ for my items... and lot lots on others... ^^ such a big eater... how i wish there is someone else with me... how i wish i could have a bf go out with me happily with my sister along... we chit chat all the way... teasing each other... it was a very happy day for me... on the way back... i pass by my old home area... the place was still as busy as ever... but the apartments i once lived became empty... no one stayed there since then... it reminds me of my childhood... then my sister drive back to balakong to buy some ingredients... nearby there is a saloon...and my sister decided we go for a hair do... so i did rebonding and my sister wash can cut a bit... it takes 2 hours for my hair... haiz... so tired and bored... luckily my best friend who accompanied me the whole 2 hours... the price was so cheap i love the hair... the best you know ^^... for my hair is short she charged me only RM50,no wash charged, no blow charged... ^^ my sister's charged RM 14... and we look at the clock i was... gosh... 8 Pm >.< i only realise my tummy is ringing... so we rush back to her mother-in-law home to eat...that is my whole yesterday... haiz sadly tomorrow i will be going back to kampar already... T^T will miss kl...
Yesterday, i went shopping with my sister...but i learn driving in the morning... so terrible...after that we went to times square for our movie by e-payment... Priest... not so exciting at all... then we go to look for my travel bags in times square... we ate alfredo chicken in papa john's with a cream of mushroom soup and cheese sticks... >.< i cannot forget the tasty little meal... then we go for low yat... to hun for my laptop bags and speakers... so happy... spend about RM320++ for my items... and lot lots on others... ^^ such a big eater... how i wish there is someone else with me... how i wish i could have a bf go out with me happily with my sister along... we chit chat all the way... teasing each other... it was a very happy day for me... on the way back... i pass by my old home area... the place was still as busy as ever... but the apartments i once lived became empty... no one stayed there since then... it reminds me of my childhood... then my sister drive back to balakong to buy some ingredients... nearby there is a saloon...and my sister decided we go for a hair do... so i did rebonding and my sister wash can cut a bit... it takes 2 hours for my hair... haiz... so tired and bored... luckily my best friend who accompanied me the whole 2 hours... the price was so cheap i love the hair... the best you know ^^... for my hair is short she charged me only RM50,no wash charged, no blow charged... ^^ my sister's charged RM 14... and we look at the clock i was... gosh... 8 Pm >.< i only realise my tummy is ringing... so we rush back to her mother-in-law home to eat...that is my whole yesterday... haiz sadly tomorrow i will be going back to kampar already... T^T will miss kl...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
11/05/2011
10:35am
Finally, im fall sick...i didnt feel better since last night... yesterday hang out with a friend...wasnt feeling well that time but since i promised him that im going to see him... then i go... we did chat... talk alot... i dont feel like eating but he insisted that i take something... so i ordered a boiled coke with ginger... and a bowl of borsh soup...at first i dont feel good... but a while later i feel better... and his face started changed... he smile at me... at first his face was worry... when he asked me when we know each other... i couldnt remember so i just mentioned 8 months... but when i got home i checked my msn history we already know each other almost for 1 year...after our dinner we spend some time walking around leisure mall... then we go to giant to buy strepsils because there is where his car park nearby... im really glad that he could forgive me... he say that there is a next time for us to meet... i really do hope that he will meet with me again soon... while on the way home... he couldnt remember the routes back to my home so i teached him 2 times...as he watched me enter my home then he only leave... i wonder is it because i was sick then he only pitying me? or he is really caring me for all these times...
Finally, im fall sick...i didnt feel better since last night... yesterday hang out with a friend...wasnt feeling well that time but since i promised him that im going to see him... then i go... we did chat... talk alot... i dont feel like eating but he insisted that i take something... so i ordered a boiled coke with ginger... and a bowl of borsh soup...at first i dont feel good... but a while later i feel better... and his face started changed... he smile at me... at first his face was worry... when he asked me when we know each other... i couldnt remember so i just mentioned 8 months... but when i got home i checked my msn history we already know each other almost for 1 year...after our dinner we spend some time walking around leisure mall... then we go to giant to buy strepsils because there is where his car park nearby... im really glad that he could forgive me... he say that there is a next time for us to meet... i really do hope that he will meet with me again soon... while on the way home... he couldnt remember the routes back to my home so i teached him 2 times...as he watched me enter my home then he only leave... i wonder is it because i was sick then he only pitying me? or he is really caring me for all these times...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
10/05/2011
13:49PM
Have been single for many weeks... days... times...i wonder who can be my next love? i havent met anyone yet... but im still chatting with some of the people... they are kind and friendly... i do keep a feeling for them... i wonder how will our first date be? i dont even know how to imagine that... i have been making cupcakes recently... bunnies, sheep and soon horse for my dear father... father's day is coming... i really dont have much plan for them... i just hope that the cupcakes i made can make them feel happy... my first try on sheep cupcakes really is a success... my mom loves it so much... so im still planning for the horse cupcakes... it is really exciting... everything is fine... taking car license... taking holidays... going back to college life... i really do appreciate what i have now... especially when spending time with my dear brothers... they do all sometimes busy... until we cant even chat online... but now i understand that they actually do love me no matter what happens... even if we didnt meet... they still love me, they still cares me... same goes for my sisters... hehe... forgetting the past is inevitable... but treasuring the present is what we can do ....right? ^^
Have been single for many weeks... days... times...i wonder who can be my next love? i havent met anyone yet... but im still chatting with some of the people... they are kind and friendly... i do keep a feeling for them... i wonder how will our first date be? i dont even know how to imagine that... i have been making cupcakes recently... bunnies, sheep and soon horse for my dear father... father's day is coming... i really dont have much plan for them... i just hope that the cupcakes i made can make them feel happy... my first try on sheep cupcakes really is a success... my mom loves it so much... so im still planning for the horse cupcakes... it is really exciting... everything is fine... taking car license... taking holidays... going back to college life... i really do appreciate what i have now... especially when spending time with my dear brothers... they do all sometimes busy... until we cant even chat online... but now i understand that they actually do love me no matter what happens... even if we didnt meet... they still love me, they still cares me... same goes for my sisters... hehe... forgetting the past is inevitable... but treasuring the present is what we can do ....right? ^^
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