22/06/2011

3 more days and i will be back to kl and see my doctor regarding my sickness, had been taking medicine for these 2 weeks... i dont think it helps anything...today is kinda bad day for me, im late for the assignment submission, had been overslept due to late sleeping, i never sleep more than 8 hours ever since i got back from kl 2 weeks ago... doctor say i should have taken enough rest and dont force myself to classes, he said before he will like to write a letter to college regarding my sickness but i rejected him, because i just wish that i still can go to class normally wont cause anyone trouble, but actually i had been causing a lot troubles to my friends and classmates...i feel so bad today, caused a lot trouble to everyone especially my groupmates... i just want to finish the assignment, i just wish to do what i can before im getting worst... im just being selfish... today, i feel my heart starting to getting pain for a moment as it feels like something is grabbing my heart and crushing it... the pain is bearable for a while but not for long... i guess this means that the time has come for me... my leg is feeling energy-less everyday now... i just hope i can still stand until i get my injection... im trying my best to blend in and act as normal as i can already... i guess only through blogging could release the ache in my heart... this is the first time i ever scolded someone and use my sickness to shut him up through phone in public... i felt so bad... maybe people cant control most of the things in most of the times...

15/06/2011

慢慢的可以接受我的病情了。慢慢的也习惯了单身的生活。遇过很多人，也被人骗过很多次。终于，还是单身。看来，还是要慢慢来而且要等很久。我忽然发觉，其实慢慢的喜欢一个人，慢慢的和他知道对一点，慢慢的感受和他经历的事情，其实可以是很愉快的。。。所以还是慢慢来吧。。。不知不觉，已经是吃药的第五天了。。。还是没有什么改变。。。这几天吃的都是面包，粥和面。。。很想念吃饭的日子。。。很想念吃零食的日子。。。现在吃饭都麻烦到大家了。。。就因为我的病，他们就迁就我去吃我能吃的地方。。。真的很对不起他们。。。尤其是我的好姐妹。。。要她接受这个病情。。。很难得了。。。再多一个礼拜+两天。。。就要看医生了。。。如果这些要帮不到我的话。。。唯一剩下的就是打针和开刀。。。会好回吗？还可以见到我想见的人吗？我还可以见我哥哥吗？我还可以和我好姐妹一起毕业吗？我还可以和我同班同学一起上课吗？我不知道，我只能相信我自己。。。现在做好自己的功课，上课，吃药，照顾自己就可以了。。。很感谢很多朋友，哥哥，弟弟，姊妹，家人的支持。。。^^
Slowly by slowly, day by day pass by, now i can accept my sickness, my single life. had met a lot of kind of people, and got cheated by a lot of people as well...in the end, im still single i guess if everything get slowly maybe i can have another way of life... slowly know each other, take times... but it is worth ... i now prefer spending time together much then only start dating...it has been five days for my medication, it seems that there is no changes for it... my meals for nowadays are just breads, porridge, and noodles... i missed the rice, the soup, the fast foods...i feel guilty for my friends, especially my best friend who had accompanied me these few days, they eat at places where only i can eat...and for her to bear my secret is really very appreciate her... now to my next visit of my doctor is 1 week plus 2 days... if the medication didnt work, means that i will need injection and operation... will i get better? will i be able to meet the one who i wanted to meet? will i be able to meet my gor? will i be able to graduate with my sister? will i be able to study with my classmates? i dont know, all i can do is to believe in myself, and do my homework, go for classes, eat my medicine, take care of myself then its enough, i really appreciated all my brothers, sisters, friends and family supporting me this whole period....

11/06/2011

今天，看到一个电视节目。是说一个家庭里。。。。爸妈是聋的。。。大儿子，因为没有得到好的沟通方式就导致他说话有点不准。。。他是正常的。。。只有他会和爸妈用手语沟通。。。二弟，三弟都不会。。。当我看到了后，我想起了一件事。。。以后我是否倒转来呢？是我爸妈为了我去学手语。。。就为了和我沟通而去学。。。觉得自己很不孝。。。长得那么大了，还要爸爸妈妈为我担心。。。我现在很好。。。我喜欢现在。。。我不想要以后。。。我不想再也叫不到他们“爸爸，妈妈”。。。我也不想以后不能叫我姐，我哥，我弟，我妹，还有我朋友们。。。我不想成为大家的负担。。。因为我一个人带给很多人的麻烦。。。我没有怪过病魔为什么会选择我。。。我只是想要病魔给我多一点时间，去做我想做的事。。。去完成我想要完成的事。。。

11/06/2011

刚看了医生，医生说我提出的症状很严重。。。医生说：“不是大颈包，是点头鲜(Tonsilitis)”。。。有开刀的需要。。。但是，现在他想观察一下我的病情。。。三年前的四月20号就已经开始了。。。医生给我四种药。。。全部都苦苦。。。要吃两个礼拜。。。有点辛苦。。。所以只好吃药。。。我不想拖时间。。。我想要和我的好姊妹一起毕业。。。我不想丢下她一个人在学校上课。。。三年的感情。。。很喜欢她。。。她知道了我的病情也很担心。。。手震，喉咙痛，脚没力，不能进食，说话很辛苦。。。这些都是我现在面对着的。。。我会哑巴吗？家人会讨厌我吗？我一直以来都是他们的负担而已。。。如果没有这个病，是否很多人都会一样的对待我呢？是否恋情就会成功呢？是否可以做我喜欢做的事情呢？跌倒的次数越来越多了。。。很怕到了没有医的地步。。。很想很想要遇到可以不介意我的人。。。很想要一段长久的恋情。。。:(

04/06/2011

原来，我不是害怕手术。。。而是，我会害怕手术后的日子会改变。。。我担心的是，我无法再用声音来表达我的心声了。。。很奇怪，当我去帮那些有需要的人我会很开心。。。当自己想起，自己被帮的时候就会怕麻烦到朋友。。。我现在很开心，上课有同班同学，外面有哥哥疼，家里有家人，我觉得我真的很幸福。当我真的不能再说话了，又有人会爱我吗？不会把我当成包袱来看待。。。我又会不会给身边的人带来麻烦。。。我真的不知道，我没什么好朋友。。。有的都走得7788了...虽然很想念他们，但是也不能一直在原地站住啊。。。要往前走。。。开始可能会有点不能接受，过后应该可以适应的。。。当我听到医生说要做手术的时候，我很怕。。。现在听到了不做的后果，我就不怕手术只怕不做而已。。。当我成了哑巴，又是否朋友会真心的对待我？最近病发得很密，现在打字都不是看得很清楚，走路也有点不尽力，应该是不够睡的关系吧。。。下个礼拜就要去看医生了。。。看了后如果必须进院就要进了。。。昨天发了一个梦，梦见我哑了。。。我家人很照顾我，虽然很长气，也很烦。。。可是，都是为我好的。。。如果我真的说不到话了，就真的是对不起我家人了。。。养了我那么大，是时候照顾他们。。。反而，还要他们担心。。。我会加油的。。。在报告还没出来之前我会好好地利用我时间来帮我还能帮的人。。。^^

小俊。。。加油哦。。。^^

03/06/2011

I do not know what i had done, that my brother ask his friend come and tell me not to find him anymore... i just want to find him to talk about my driving test passed... is there anything wrong about it? so im just a tool? a toy to him? a toy to satisfy his needs? i just really dont know what happened... am i that bad to you all? am i really that hated? must i be hated? when will anyone tell me the truth without leaving me first? isnt there anyone i like who can like me back? why is this so unfair? T^T why people have to be hated, sad, grief...