4:42pm
Finally, a long long time didnt write anything and so i decided to write something... Everyday we thought that the world is in peace and harmony... but what are peace and harmony? no war? no blood shed? no fight? the world in justice? i really dont know... peace and harmony only exist for a while... there is no eternal calm, or peace and harmony... war comes from the evil of an individual heart while peace come from ones mind... As i see, heard how the people cried, how the people died, how the people feel sad about the matters of our world... i feel like we cant do much for all people... i dont know about death or birth,,, i just hope that i can still move on my journey until the day i left this world... if im a valkyrie, what will i do? will i pity the death and not to collect them? i think i can understand now why the gods sealed her memories, because the feelings she had will affect her duty... i dont think i can be like the valkyries... i dont think i have the courage to face all the sorrow, sadness, angry of the people...
Monday, July 11, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
22/06/2011
3 more days and i will be back to kl and see my doctor regarding my sickness, had been taking medicine for these 2 weeks... i dont think it helps anything...today is kinda bad day for me, im late for the assignment submission, had been overslept due to late sleeping, i never sleep more than 8 hours ever since i got back from kl 2 weeks ago... doctor say i should have taken enough rest and dont force myself to classes, he said before he will like to write a letter to college regarding my sickness but i rejected him, because i just wish that i still can go to class normally wont cause anyone trouble, but actually i had been causing a lot troubles to my friends and classmates...i feel so bad today, caused a lot trouble to everyone especially my groupmates... i just want to finish the assignment, i just wish to do what i can before im getting worst... im just being selfish... today, i feel my heart starting to getting pain for a moment as it feels like something is grabbing my heart and crushing it... the pain is bearable for a while but not for long... i guess this means that the time has come for me... my leg is feeling energy-less everyday now... i just hope i can still stand until i get my injection... im trying my best to blend in and act as normal as i can already... i guess only through blogging could release the ache in my heart... this is the first time i ever scolded someone and use my sickness to shut him up through phone in public... i felt so bad... maybe people cant control most of the things in most of the times...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
15/06/2011
慢慢的可以接受我的病情了。慢慢的也习惯了单身的生活。遇过很多人，也被人骗过很多次。终于，还是单身。看来，还是要慢慢来而且要等很久。我忽然发觉，其实慢慢的喜欢一个人，慢慢的和他知道对一点，慢慢的感受和他经历的事情，其实可以是很愉快的。。。所以还是慢慢来吧。。。不知不觉，已经是吃药的第五天了。。。还是没有什么改变。。。这几天吃的都是面包，粥和面。。。很想念吃饭的日子。。。很想念吃零食的日子。。。现在吃饭都麻烦到大家了。。。就因为我的病，他们就迁就我去吃我能吃的地方。。。真的很对不起他们。。。尤其是我的好姐妹。。。要她接受这个病情。。。很难得了。。。再多一个礼拜+两天。。。就要看医生了。。。如果这些要帮不到我的话。。。唯一剩下的就是打针和开刀。。。会好回吗？还可以见到我想见的人吗？我还可以见我哥哥吗？我还可以和我好姐妹一起毕业吗？我还可以和我同班同学一起上课吗？我不知道，我只能相信我自己。。。现在做好自己的功课，上课，吃药，照顾自己就可以了。。。很感谢很多朋友，哥哥，弟弟，姊妹，家人的支持。。。^^
Slowly by slowly, day by day pass by, now i can accept my sickness, my single life. had met a lot of kind of people, and got cheated by a lot of people as well...in the end, im still single i guess if everything get slowly maybe i can have another way of life... slowly know each other, take times... but it is worth ... i now prefer spending time together much then only start dating...it has been five days for my medication, it seems that there is no changes for it... my meals for nowadays are just breads, porridge, and noodles... i missed the rice, the soup, the fast foods...i feel guilty for my friends, especially my best friend who had accompanied me these few days, they eat at places where only i can eat...and for her to bear my secret is really very appreciate her... now to my next visit of my doctor is 1 week plus 2 days... if the medication didnt work, means that i will need injection and operation... will i get better? will i be able to meet the one who i wanted to meet? will i be able to meet my gor? will i be able to graduate with my sister? will i be able to study with my classmates? i dont know, all i can do is to believe in myself, and do my homework, go for classes, eat my medicine, take care of myself then its enough, i really appreciated all my brothers, sisters, friends and family supporting me this whole period....
Slowly by slowly, day by day pass by, now i can accept my sickness, my single life. had met a lot of kind of people, and got cheated by a lot of people as well...in the end, im still single i guess if everything get slowly maybe i can have another way of life... slowly know each other, take times... but it is worth ... i now prefer spending time together much then only start dating...it has been five days for my medication, it seems that there is no changes for it... my meals for nowadays are just breads, porridge, and noodles... i missed the rice, the soup, the fast foods...i feel guilty for my friends, especially my best friend who had accompanied me these few days, they eat at places where only i can eat...and for her to bear my secret is really very appreciate her... now to my next visit of my doctor is 1 week plus 2 days... if the medication didnt work, means that i will need injection and operation... will i get better? will i be able to meet the one who i wanted to meet? will i be able to meet my gor? will i be able to graduate with my sister? will i be able to study with my classmates? i dont know, all i can do is to believe in myself, and do my homework, go for classes, eat my medicine, take care of myself then its enough, i really appreciated all my brothers, sisters, friends and family supporting me this whole period....
Saturday, June 11, 2011
11/06/2011
今天，看到一个电视节目。是说一个家庭里。。。。爸妈是聋的。。。大儿子，因为没有得到好的沟通方式就导致他说话有点不准。。。他是正常的。。。只有他会和爸妈用手语沟通。。。二弟，三弟都不会。。。当我看到了后，我想起了一件事。。。以后我是否倒转来呢？是我爸妈为了我去学手语。。。就为了和我沟通而去学。。。觉得自己很不孝。。。长得那么大了，还要爸爸妈妈为我担心。。。我现在很好。。。我喜欢现在。。。我不想要以后。。。我不想再也叫不到他们“爸爸，妈妈”。。。我也不想以后不能叫我姐，我哥，我弟，我妹，还有我朋友们。。。我不想成为大家的负担。。。因为我一个人带给很多人的麻烦。。。我没有怪过病魔为什么会选择我。。。我只是想要病魔给我多一点时间，去做我想做的事。。。去完成我想要完成的事。。。
11/06/2011
刚看了医生，医生说我提出的症状很严重。。。医生说：“不是大颈包，是点头鲜(Tonsilitis)”。。。有开刀的需要。。。但是，现在他想观察一下我的病情。。。三年前的四月20号就已经开始了。。。医生给我四种药。。。全部都苦苦。。。要吃两个礼拜。。。有点辛苦。。。所以只好吃药。。。我不想拖时间。。。我想要和我的好姊妹一起毕业。。。我不想丢下她一个人在学校上课。。。三年的感情。。。很喜欢她。。。她知道了我的病情也很担心。。。手震，喉咙痛，脚没力，不能进食，说话很辛苦。。。这些都是我现在面对着的。。。我会哑巴吗？家人会讨厌我吗？我一直以来都是他们的负担而已。。。如果没有这个病，是否很多人都会一样的对待我呢？是否恋情就会成功呢？是否可以做我喜欢做的事情呢？跌倒的次数越来越多了。。。很怕到了没有医的地步。。。很想很想要遇到可以不介意我的人。。。很想要一段长久的恋情。。。:(
Saturday, June 4, 2011
04/06/2011
原来，我不是害怕手术。。。而是，我会害怕手术后的日子会改变。。。我担心的是，我无法再用声音来表达我的心声了。。。很奇怪，当我去帮那些有需要的人我会很开心。。。当自己想起，自己被帮的时候就会怕麻烦到朋友。。。我现在很开心，上课有同班同学，外面有哥哥疼，家里有家人，我觉得我真的很幸福。当我真的不能再说话了，又有人会爱我吗？不会把我当成包袱来看待。。。我又会不会给身边的人带来麻烦。。。我真的不知道，我没什么好朋友。。。有的都走得7788了...虽然很想念他们，但是也不能一直在原地站住啊。。。要往前走。。。开始可能会有点不能接受，过后应该可以适应的。。。当我听到医生说要做手术的时候，我很怕。。。现在听到了不做的后果，我就不怕手术只怕不做而已。。。当我成了哑巴，又是否朋友会真心的对待我？最近病发得很密，现在打字都不是看得很清楚，走路也有点不尽力，应该是不够睡的关系吧。。。下个礼拜就要去看医生了。。。看了后如果必须进院就要进了。。。昨天发了一个梦，梦见我哑了。。。我家人很照顾我，虽然很长气，也很烦。。。可是，都是为我好的。。。如果我真的说不到话了，就真的是对不起我家人了。。。养了我那么大，是时候照顾他们。。。反而，还要他们担心。。。我会加油的。。。在报告还没出来之前我会好好地利用我时间来帮我还能帮的人。。。^^
小俊。。。加油哦。。。^^
小俊。。。加油哦。。。^^
Friday, June 3, 2011
03/06/2011
I do not know what i had done, that my brother ask his friend come and tell me not to find him anymore... i just want to find him to talk about my driving test passed... is there anything wrong about it? so im just a tool? a toy to him? a toy to satisfy his needs? i just really dont know what happened... am i that bad to you all? am i really that hated? must i be hated? when will anyone tell me the truth without leaving me first? isnt there anyone i like who can like me back? why is this so unfair? T^T why people have to be hated, sad, grief...
Friday, May 27, 2011
27/05/2011
11:22pm
i wonder how long has it been, since i discovered the parasite... 3 years? i guess it has been that long... i wonder how it looks like now... never had the time to see it... the doctor says it is just a small surgery, i really do hope it is a very small surgery... the reason i plan to take that surgery is because of someone... before we seperate, i promise him to take care of myself... so i have to take it and wont make him worry... in the end, i get nothing but a seperate from him... i think it is better for us also... we didnt know each other much... maybe im the one who make him cannot breathe... there are few months left for me to see him... if only he could say how he really feels for me...
i wonder how long has it been, since i discovered the parasite... 3 years? i guess it has been that long... i wonder how it looks like now... never had the time to see it... the doctor says it is just a small surgery, i really do hope it is a very small surgery... the reason i plan to take that surgery is because of someone... before we seperate, i promise him to take care of myself... so i have to take it and wont make him worry... in the end, i get nothing but a seperate from him... i think it is better for us also... we didnt know each other much... maybe im the one who make him cannot breathe... there are few months left for me to see him... if only he could say how he really feels for me...
Thursday, May 26, 2011
26/05/2011
6:22pm
even though now i lost him... i still have to go on... i still need to face the surgery... a couple of months later will be my surgery day, the day i always fear of... i wonder what will happen that day... will i be able to do something i wanted? will i be able to achieved what i want? will i be able to see the people i wanted? i really dont know about it now... but one thing i can confirm now is that im scared of the surgery day... even though the doctor say is a small surgery but i still dont know how to face it... even though the parasite has been living in me for many years, feels like lose something if i get rid of it... next tuesday will be the day i take my driving test, i hope i can pass it... my driving skills are not that good actually... but i know what to do... i got my friends supported me... even without a lover i can do it myself... i just hope i have enough strength to face it... nowadays, i had a nightmare that a doctor is using a surgery knife cutting my stomach into half, or open my arms to get something out... (watch too much CSI >.<) haha.... its quite funny now thinking of it... it wont be as awful as the nightmare i suppose... i just wish that he wont know anything, even if he knows it will pretend to not knowing it... he is the only one i dont wish to be sad because of me... i know i cant feel his warmth anymore, but i will remember his warmth forever... his face is fierce sometimes, but he is actually a very kind person... his inner gentle really makes me no reason to fall in love with him... i know he didnt mean to hurt me... he also wish to love me... but our love is in the wrong time... maybe i will just wait for him... one day, maybe if im still alive to see him... we will be together... ^^
even though now i lost him... i still have to go on... i still need to face the surgery... a couple of months later will be my surgery day, the day i always fear of... i wonder what will happen that day... will i be able to do something i wanted? will i be able to achieved what i want? will i be able to see the people i wanted? i really dont know about it now... but one thing i can confirm now is that im scared of the surgery day... even though the doctor say is a small surgery but i still dont know how to face it... even though the parasite has been living in me for many years, feels like lose something if i get rid of it... next tuesday will be the day i take my driving test, i hope i can pass it... my driving skills are not that good actually... but i know what to do... i got my friends supported me... even without a lover i can do it myself... i just hope i have enough strength to face it... nowadays, i had a nightmare that a doctor is using a surgery knife cutting my stomach into half, or open my arms to get something out... (watch too much CSI >.<) haha.... its quite funny now thinking of it... it wont be as awful as the nightmare i suppose... i just wish that he wont know anything, even if he knows it will pretend to not knowing it... he is the only one i dont wish to be sad because of me... i know i cant feel his warmth anymore, but i will remember his warmth forever... his face is fierce sometimes, but he is actually a very kind person... his inner gentle really makes me no reason to fall in love with him... i know he didnt mean to hurt me... he also wish to love me... but our love is in the wrong time... maybe i will just wait for him... one day, maybe if im still alive to see him... we will be together... ^^
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
24/05/2011
9:00PM
我们分手了。。。很伤心。。。想抱着他，很想念他，很想念他的味道。。。我现在不能再得到了。。。我现在只能抱着我的宝贝。。。我的小思念哭。。。为他祈祷，祝福他。。。希望他会快乐，开心。。。遇到挫折不会放弃。。。现在的我真的很想念他。。。只怪自己不能体谅他。。。不给他时间。。。我们第一次见的时候是在课室外面，他那时候穿橙色衣，长袖，戴眼镜，用着很温柔的语气和我道歉。。。然后，我们就去吃午餐，那时候食堂卖剩了一块炸薯片，很好吃的很了一点给他。。。我们很开心的聊，也回去我家收拾东西，去他家因为要搭火车回kl学车。。。那时候还骗他说没有课，其实是逃课。。。他没有责怪我，反而告诉我不要再这样了。。。就算多么的想他都要好好的读书。。。课不可以逃。。。我答应了他。。。第一次哭了，他很心疼的样子安慰我。。。为了看我笑回他不惜一切的方法让我笑回。。。那时候，教他功课到三点早上。。。有点不舒服，他很担心我。。。每天都问我吃了药吗。。。有休息吗。。。之类的。。。所以，在回金宝之前。。。我做了一盒饼干，和做了小思念给他。。。小思念的出生日子是我们的第一天，我们的纪念日。。。可是，过后。。。太多误会了。。。到我胃病时，我不敢告诉他。。。因为不想拖累他。。。下个礼拜他要考试了。。。很想帮他温习功课，不想他不及格。。。我已经尽我能力的忍耐了。。。可是，还是在他面前撑不下去。。。他发现了。。。我没说什么事，他就生气了。。。忍不住告诉他了，没吃到东西。。。他又生气了。。。他做了一半的功课然后就带我去吃了。。。他说了很多话，全部都是为我好的。。。我知道他很担心。。。我也知错了。。。回到家。。。抱着他的时候，我才知道我是多么的麻烦。。。我是个麻烦精。。。害他不能温习功课，令到他担心，令到他心疼。。。他只是说：“你不是麻烦精”。。。那时候，我真的才知道原来我是真正的爱他了。。。现在分手了，可能没机会可以再见到他了。。。如果可以的话，我真的不希望分手。。。因为，我真的还很爱他。。。还是很想他。。。还是很想听到他温柔又man的声音。。。很想抱着他。。。很想和他度过每一天。。。我不介意我会做他的二奶。。。我只是想可以在一起就是了。。。但是，我觉得没机会了。。。
我们分手了。。。很伤心。。。想抱着他，很想念他，很想念他的味道。。。我现在不能再得到了。。。我现在只能抱着我的宝贝。。。我的小思念哭。。。为他祈祷，祝福他。。。希望他会快乐，开心。。。遇到挫折不会放弃。。。现在的我真的很想念他。。。只怪自己不能体谅他。。。不给他时间。。。我们第一次见的时候是在课室外面，他那时候穿橙色衣，长袖，戴眼镜，用着很温柔的语气和我道歉。。。然后，我们就去吃午餐，那时候食堂卖剩了一块炸薯片，很好吃的很了一点给他。。。我们很开心的聊，也回去我家收拾东西，去他家因为要搭火车回kl学车。。。那时候还骗他说没有课，其实是逃课。。。他没有责怪我，反而告诉我不要再这样了。。。就算多么的想他都要好好的读书。。。课不可以逃。。。我答应了他。。。第一次哭了，他很心疼的样子安慰我。。。为了看我笑回他不惜一切的方法让我笑回。。。那时候，教他功课到三点早上。。。有点不舒服，他很担心我。。。每天都问我吃了药吗。。。有休息吗。。。之类的。。。所以，在回金宝之前。。。我做了一盒饼干，和做了小思念给他。。。小思念的出生日子是我们的第一天，我们的纪念日。。。可是，过后。。。太多误会了。。。到我胃病时，我不敢告诉他。。。因为不想拖累他。。。下个礼拜他要考试了。。。很想帮他温习功课，不想他不及格。。。我已经尽我能力的忍耐了。。。可是，还是在他面前撑不下去。。。他发现了。。。我没说什么事，他就生气了。。。忍不住告诉他了，没吃到东西。。。他又生气了。。。他做了一半的功课然后就带我去吃了。。。他说了很多话，全部都是为我好的。。。我知道他很担心。。。我也知错了。。。回到家。。。抱着他的时候，我才知道我是多么的麻烦。。。我是个麻烦精。。。害他不能温习功课，令到他担心，令到他心疼。。。他只是说：“你不是麻烦精”。。。那时候，我真的才知道原来我是真正的爱他了。。。现在分手了，可能没机会可以再见到他了。。。如果可以的话，我真的不希望分手。。。因为，我真的还很爱他。。。还是很想他。。。还是很想听到他温柔又man的声音。。。很想抱着他。。。很想和他度过每一天。。。我不介意我会做他的二奶。。。我只是想可以在一起就是了。。。但是，我觉得没机会了。。。
24/05/2011
7:51am
Yesterday, my gastric pain again... i just buy lunch for him... i couldnt buy mine as well... so, i just bought his lunch and bring it to him... he is late for class already.... and then when he finish class and i doing revision with him that time, pain come already... at first, he angry me that i didnt tell him anything... but after a while he saw me very pain then started to worry le... after i tell him everything he scold me... i feel bad... he is right, if i sick, then i cannot teach him do homework, cannot take care him, make him worry, he say he saw me pain until like this his heart very pain, he cannot feel the pain i have but he still hurt in the inside... i feel like im so troublesome, i caused so many trouble to him... i make him worry, make him sad, make him revision a bit only then bring me go to eat something... i really feel sorry for him... because, he did not angry me... but still love me and care me so much... when i cry, he wipe my tears away and use his kind voice to comfort me...so i have decided to be happy with him... i will try my best to prevent this to happen again... i dont want him to worry me anymore... seeing his worry face... seeing him scold me and care me again... is really a bad thing... i shouldnt make him worry me...
5:56pm
Today, i feel so sad and so dissapointed... i thought tonight could be at somewhere... but it turns out that i will be alone at home... i guess i shouldnt put so much hope in anything... no matter how i listen to him, how i wish he could bring me somewhere... just anywhere i will be happy as long as he is spending time with me... maybe is because we are not real... maybe because just only i have feel on him... from the beginning i know that we are impossible already, he say he dont know how to be top... so he treat me cold like this... when i not saying anything then he will angry... when i say anything he will ask me to shut up... i wish i could just stop crying now... my gor ask me to not give up... be patient with him... but, for now i feel like i cant bear the pain anymore... he will never know how i feel... he will never know how sad am i... all he cares about is others than me... i dont feel so good now... i should just go rest... :(
Yesterday, my gastric pain again... i just buy lunch for him... i couldnt buy mine as well... so, i just bought his lunch and bring it to him... he is late for class already.... and then when he finish class and i doing revision with him that time, pain come already... at first, he angry me that i didnt tell him anything... but after a while he saw me very pain then started to worry le... after i tell him everything he scold me... i feel bad... he is right, if i sick, then i cannot teach him do homework, cannot take care him, make him worry, he say he saw me pain until like this his heart very pain, he cannot feel the pain i have but he still hurt in the inside... i feel like im so troublesome, i caused so many trouble to him... i make him worry, make him sad, make him revision a bit only then bring me go to eat something... i really feel sorry for him... because, he did not angry me... but still love me and care me so much... when i cry, he wipe my tears away and use his kind voice to comfort me...so i have decided to be happy with him... i will try my best to prevent this to happen again... i dont want him to worry me anymore... seeing his worry face... seeing him scold me and care me again... is really a bad thing... i shouldnt make him worry me...
5:56pm
Today, i feel so sad and so dissapointed... i thought tonight could be at somewhere... but it turns out that i will be alone at home... i guess i shouldnt put so much hope in anything... no matter how i listen to him, how i wish he could bring me somewhere... just anywhere i will be happy as long as he is spending time with me... maybe is because we are not real... maybe because just only i have feel on him... from the beginning i know that we are impossible already, he say he dont know how to be top... so he treat me cold like this... when i not saying anything then he will angry... when i say anything he will ask me to shut up... i wish i could just stop crying now... my gor ask me to not give up... be patient with him... but, for now i feel like i cant bear the pain anymore... he will never know how i feel... he will never know how sad am i... all he cares about is others than me... i dont feel so good now... i should just go rest... :(
Sunday, May 22, 2011
22/05/2011
21:43pm
being a mistress is not as easy as you thought.... as you fall in love with one man, he loves another one... i guess, when the time comes for him to choose between us... i know he will choose him... maybe he got other mistresses as well... i really dont know anything now... but i do know something... and that is as long as i love him, to see him happy, to take care of him, to be at his side when he needs me... that is already more than enough to me... to be able to see him, to be able to hear him... this is what i will treasure now... for our moments is not much... he asked me to change, but i know i cant change, even if i want... i cant break the promise i made to my brother... i promise him before i will remain the same... there are difficulties when facing two men...
being a mistress is not as easy as you thought.... as you fall in love with one man, he loves another one... i guess, when the time comes for him to choose between us... i know he will choose him... maybe he got other mistresses as well... i really dont know anything now... but i do know something... and that is as long as i love him, to see him happy, to take care of him, to be at his side when he needs me... that is already more than enough to me... to be able to see him, to be able to hear him... this is what i will treasure now... for our moments is not much... he asked me to change, but i know i cant change, even if i want... i cant break the promise i made to my brother... i promise him before i will remain the same... there are difficulties when facing two men...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
15/05/2011
9：00AM
Even though this morning it is not raining... but my tears is falling rapidly like rain... my heart dripping bloods, as my bones crush into pieces... i did something horrible to my brother... i didnt know that guy was his bf... i thought i could just chat with him nicely... just now my brother warn me not to find his bf anymore... he knows who am i and he dont wish me to find him anymore... when i see this message, i really feel like there is no brotherly love between us before... he didnt trust me... he didnt believe in me... he hated me... i know im a slut... a money boy... a scum... but words from a brother like that really do hurt me... i have try my best to be better already... 死性不改。。。i believe this chinese phrase is true and symbolise me... i cannot be change, i cannot be helped... even my brother could hate me... i just delete him, and his bf as well... i really dont like this feeling now... No matter how many things i shared with him, no matter how much i revealed to him about me... i only wish to receive grace, forgiveness, gentle care, kindness from him... he is the second one, leaving me... i guess i really dont deserve a true love from anyone anymore... maybe i should just leave...
Even though this morning it is not raining... but my tears is falling rapidly like rain... my heart dripping bloods, as my bones crush into pieces... i did something horrible to my brother... i didnt know that guy was his bf... i thought i could just chat with him nicely... just now my brother warn me not to find his bf anymore... he knows who am i and he dont wish me to find him anymore... when i see this message, i really feel like there is no brotherly love between us before... he didnt trust me... he didnt believe in me... he hated me... i know im a slut... a money boy... a scum... but words from a brother like that really do hurt me... i have try my best to be better already... 死性不改。。。i believe this chinese phrase is true and symbolise me... i cannot be change, i cannot be helped... even my brother could hate me... i just delete him, and his bf as well... i really dont like this feeling now... No matter how many things i shared with him, no matter how much i revealed to him about me... i only wish to receive grace, forgiveness, gentle care, kindness from him... he is the second one, leaving me... i guess i really dont deserve a true love from anyone anymore... maybe i should just leave...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
14/05/2011
10:16AM
Yesterday, i went shopping with my sister...but i learn driving in the morning... so terrible...after that we went to times square for our movie by e-payment... Priest... not so exciting at all... then we go to look for my travel bags in times square... we ate alfredo chicken in papa john's with a cream of mushroom soup and cheese sticks... >.< i cannot forget the tasty little meal... then we go for low yat... to hun for my laptop bags and speakers... so happy... spend about RM320++ for my items... and lot lots on others... ^^ such a big eater... how i wish there is someone else with me... how i wish i could have a bf go out with me happily with my sister along... we chit chat all the way... teasing each other... it was a very happy day for me... on the way back... i pass by my old home area... the place was still as busy as ever... but the apartments i once lived became empty... no one stayed there since then... it reminds me of my childhood... then my sister drive back to balakong to buy some ingredients... nearby there is a saloon...and my sister decided we go for a hair do... so i did rebonding and my sister wash can cut a bit... it takes 2 hours for my hair... haiz... so tired and bored... luckily my best friend who accompanied me the whole 2 hours... the price was so cheap i love the hair... the best you know ^^... for my hair is short she charged me only RM50,no wash charged, no blow charged... ^^ my sister's charged RM 14... and we look at the clock i was... gosh... 8 Pm >.< i only realise my tummy is ringing... so we rush back to her mother-in-law home to eat...that is my whole yesterday... haiz sadly tomorrow i will be going back to kampar already... T^T will miss kl...
Yesterday, i went shopping with my sister...but i learn driving in the morning... so terrible...after that we went to times square for our movie by e-payment... Priest... not so exciting at all... then we go to look for my travel bags in times square... we ate alfredo chicken in papa john's with a cream of mushroom soup and cheese sticks... >.< i cannot forget the tasty little meal... then we go for low yat... to hun for my laptop bags and speakers... so happy... spend about RM320++ for my items... and lot lots on others... ^^ such a big eater... how i wish there is someone else with me... how i wish i could have a bf go out with me happily with my sister along... we chit chat all the way... teasing each other... it was a very happy day for me... on the way back... i pass by my old home area... the place was still as busy as ever... but the apartments i once lived became empty... no one stayed there since then... it reminds me of my childhood... then my sister drive back to balakong to buy some ingredients... nearby there is a saloon...and my sister decided we go for a hair do... so i did rebonding and my sister wash can cut a bit... it takes 2 hours for my hair... haiz... so tired and bored... luckily my best friend who accompanied me the whole 2 hours... the price was so cheap i love the hair... the best you know ^^... for my hair is short she charged me only RM50,no wash charged, no blow charged... ^^ my sister's charged RM 14... and we look at the clock i was... gosh... 8 Pm >.< i only realise my tummy is ringing... so we rush back to her mother-in-law home to eat...that is my whole yesterday... haiz sadly tomorrow i will be going back to kampar already... T^T will miss kl...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
11/05/2011
10:35am
Finally, im fall sick...i didnt feel better since last night... yesterday hang out with a friend...wasnt feeling well that time but since i promised him that im going to see him... then i go... we did chat... talk alot... i dont feel like eating but he insisted that i take something... so i ordered a boiled coke with ginger... and a bowl of borsh soup...at first i dont feel good... but a while later i feel better... and his face started changed... he smile at me... at first his face was worry... when he asked me when we know each other... i couldnt remember so i just mentioned 8 months... but when i got home i checked my msn history we already know each other almost for 1 year...after our dinner we spend some time walking around leisure mall... then we go to giant to buy strepsils because there is where his car park nearby... im really glad that he could forgive me... he say that there is a next time for us to meet... i really do hope that he will meet with me again soon... while on the way home... he couldnt remember the routes back to my home so i teached him 2 times...as he watched me enter my home then he only leave... i wonder is it because i was sick then he only pitying me? or he is really caring me for all these times...
Finally, im fall sick...i didnt feel better since last night... yesterday hang out with a friend...wasnt feeling well that time but since i promised him that im going to see him... then i go... we did chat... talk alot... i dont feel like eating but he insisted that i take something... so i ordered a boiled coke with ginger... and a bowl of borsh soup...at first i dont feel good... but a while later i feel better... and his face started changed... he smile at me... at first his face was worry... when he asked me when we know each other... i couldnt remember so i just mentioned 8 months... but when i got home i checked my msn history we already know each other almost for 1 year...after our dinner we spend some time walking around leisure mall... then we go to giant to buy strepsils because there is where his car park nearby... im really glad that he could forgive me... he say that there is a next time for us to meet... i really do hope that he will meet with me again soon... while on the way home... he couldnt remember the routes back to my home so i teached him 2 times...as he watched me enter my home then he only leave... i wonder is it because i was sick then he only pitying me? or he is really caring me for all these times...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
10/05/2011
13:49PM
Have been single for many weeks... days... times...i wonder who can be my next love? i havent met anyone yet... but im still chatting with some of the people... they are kind and friendly... i do keep a feeling for them... i wonder how will our first date be? i dont even know how to imagine that... i have been making cupcakes recently... bunnies, sheep and soon horse for my dear father... father's day is coming... i really dont have much plan for them... i just hope that the cupcakes i made can make them feel happy... my first try on sheep cupcakes really is a success... my mom loves it so much... so im still planning for the horse cupcakes... it is really exciting... everything is fine... taking car license... taking holidays... going back to college life... i really do appreciate what i have now... especially when spending time with my dear brothers... they do all sometimes busy... until we cant even chat online... but now i understand that they actually do love me no matter what happens... even if we didnt meet... they still love me, they still cares me... same goes for my sisters... hehe... forgetting the past is inevitable... but treasuring the present is what we can do ....right? ^^
Have been single for many weeks... days... times...i wonder who can be my next love? i havent met anyone yet... but im still chatting with some of the people... they are kind and friendly... i do keep a feeling for them... i wonder how will our first date be? i dont even know how to imagine that... i have been making cupcakes recently... bunnies, sheep and soon horse for my dear father... father's day is coming... i really dont have much plan for them... i just hope that the cupcakes i made can make them feel happy... my first try on sheep cupcakes really is a success... my mom loves it so much... so im still planning for the horse cupcakes... it is really exciting... everything is fine... taking car license... taking holidays... going back to college life... i really do appreciate what i have now... especially when spending time with my dear brothers... they do all sometimes busy... until we cant even chat online... but now i understand that they actually do love me no matter what happens... even if we didnt meet... they still love me, they still cares me... same goes for my sisters... hehe... forgetting the past is inevitable... but treasuring the present is what we can do ....right? ^^
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
30/03/2011
12:07PM
Gor。。。do you remember today is what day? hehe.... i remember... today is the first day we met... i remembered i was clumsy and stupid that day... i was cleaning up the books in the library and i took too many books i can see whats in front me and bump into you... and i accidently kissed on your cheek... it was so embarrassing that moment... but you didnt mind and help me take the books returned to the shelf... i really couldnt done it without you that day... then we head for lunch and talk many stupid stupid things... like the teachers around and the trees and flowers... haha... it was that time you told me you are like me... that is why you didnt mind... ^^... i also remembered i sneezed on your lunch... T^T so sorry... in my heart... no one can replace you... there is no one... because you are my most important brother of all... it is you who were at my side when i needed you... it is you who teach me all the things... it is you who reminded me why you are here... thank you gor... im fine here with all my gor... they all very care me and nice to me... i got many sisters also... just like you said... no matter how bad the people treated you... there will be people who will love you... not because of what you are... but because of who you are... "a clumsy, stupid, naive child..." right? hehe...
Gor。。。do you remember today is what day? hehe.... i remember... today is the first day we met... i remembered i was clumsy and stupid that day... i was cleaning up the books in the library and i took too many books i can see whats in front me and bump into you... and i accidently kissed on your cheek... it was so embarrassing that moment... but you didnt mind and help me take the books returned to the shelf... i really couldnt done it without you that day... then we head for lunch and talk many stupid stupid things... like the teachers around and the trees and flowers... haha... it was that time you told me you are like me... that is why you didnt mind... ^^... i also remembered i sneezed on your lunch... T^T so sorry... in my heart... no one can replace you... there is no one... because you are my most important brother of all... it is you who were at my side when i needed you... it is you who teach me all the things... it is you who reminded me why you are here... thank you gor... im fine here with all my gor... they all very care me and nice to me... i got many sisters also... just like you said... no matter how bad the people treated you... there will be people who will love you... not because of what you are... but because of who you are... "a clumsy, stupid, naive child..." right? hehe...
Monday, March 28, 2011
28/03/2011
5:26PM
even my best friend accompany me this morning... i still feel uneasy of my feelings... for the whole time... i have a lot of brothers who cared me, loved me, and worried me... but today... i dont know why that feeling is coming back... i only missed him... no one else... not even one of the brothers now... im really confused now... for all the brothers... i dont have the feelings i had on him.... he is a very important and perfect brother... no one can compare with him.... not even one of them now... maybe all of my brothers now are just part of him.... he is them... i really dont know what to do now... all i just wish that he is here... if he is here, he will tell me what to do... i really started to miss him... i just want to see him once more.... just once... for my last time... i had argued with my brothers about this... i feel bad... but i couldnt stop... i just dont know what to do... there are already too much things happened on me... i just wish he is here... he will know how to help me... but the thing is... he is not existed anymore... even the song he left for me... couldnt help me... only making me miss him more... T^T
even my best friend accompany me this morning... i still feel uneasy of my feelings... for the whole time... i have a lot of brothers who cared me, loved me, and worried me... but today... i dont know why that feeling is coming back... i only missed him... no one else... not even one of the brothers now... im really confused now... for all the brothers... i dont have the feelings i had on him.... he is a very important and perfect brother... no one can compare with him.... not even one of them now... maybe all of my brothers now are just part of him.... he is them... i really dont know what to do now... all i just wish that he is here... if he is here, he will tell me what to do... i really started to miss him... i just want to see him once more.... just once... for my last time... i had argued with my brothers about this... i feel bad... but i couldnt stop... i just dont know what to do... there are already too much things happened on me... i just wish he is here... he will know how to help me... but the thing is... he is not existed anymore... even the song he left for me... couldnt help me... only making me miss him more... T^T
Sunday, March 27, 2011
27/03/2011
10:41AM
yesterday, i recalled something from my past... a brother... who is very important to me before he pass away... i remembered once that he worried me... i didnt want to sleep that time at his place... or to say i couldnt sleep so i wanted to play his computer for a while... he got angry and he carries me from the chair to the bed... he off the lights... hug me hard and never let go... until i fall asleep... i did struggle that time.. and i remembered hurting him... i cried the other morning... but he said nothing and hug me... his warm body and hand brush over my hair... he is the only one treating me like someone... someone who is my idol... yet i always acted like her... so he treated me like her as well.... how i wish he could be alive... how i wish to see him one last time... how i wish to hear him scold me again... this is the time i really need him... maybe people will think im childish... i admit it... im childish in my inner heart... my outer heart can be a wild to you... brother, i really wish you are here....
yesterday, i recalled something from my past... a brother... who is very important to me before he pass away... i remembered once that he worried me... i didnt want to sleep that time at his place... or to say i couldnt sleep so i wanted to play his computer for a while... he got angry and he carries me from the chair to the bed... he off the lights... hug me hard and never let go... until i fall asleep... i did struggle that time.. and i remembered hurting him... i cried the other morning... but he said nothing and hug me... his warm body and hand brush over my hair... he is the only one treating me like someone... someone who is my idol... yet i always acted like her... so he treated me like her as well.... how i wish he could be alive... how i wish to see him one last time... how i wish to hear him scold me again... this is the time i really need him... maybe people will think im childish... i admit it... im childish in my inner heart... my outer heart can be a wild to you... brother, i really wish you are here....
Friday, March 18, 2011
18/03/2011
When i woke up this morning, i tried to recall what happened last night... i couldnt accept the fact that i did say something like that to someone... My heart aches... My emotion is gaining control... is it because of that "sick" or im thinking too much? deep in my heart i truly love him, but my feelings tell me to get away from him... i standing in between a grass and wet land... almost fall apart... i did try to fall sleep and never wake up... but deep in my heart there is someone calling me... not to sleep... because if i do that, he will be very sad and he will hate me forever... if that can make him forget about me, then i will do it... as long as he is happy with his new life, new lover... Oni-sama, gomenasai... anatawa hontoni kawaiiso ja nante... watashiwa shinjiteru... anatawa shiyawasen... minna no ishogenme... oni-sama no hontoni sabishii...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
17/03/2011
Sakura learnt something very important, she remembered from what her father said...that was the time her father Clow Reed gave her a pet, a chinchilla... very cute... one day it died... Sakura was very sad... Her father saw her so sad and try to comfort her and ask her why is she sad... Sakura beg her father to revive the poor thing... but Sakura's father rejected... he smiled and say:"No matter what power or magic in this world cannot bring the lost back to life, thats why life is precious and also people cherish it and live to its fullest"... Ever since the earthquake, the tsunami... people are dying and bodies are counted... people around the world knows about this news but not everyone pray for them... Sakura lost someone, someone very important to her... when thought of what her father said... that person is no longer a matter... if he doesnt want her... then she just will give up... afterall, he had many others ... there are many people in this world could replaced her... After the long thinking Sakura only prays for the other people can be safe and pray for no more disasters... believe in each other... pray from the heart... people will be able to stand up and stand still... people will be able to feel your purity of heart... right? Father? :)
9:29PM
No matter how much memory you gave me, no matter what happened in the past... its a past... even if one day i lost my memories and died... you dont need to bring me travel around to recover those memories... what lost is lost, you can never bring it back...have you ever thought of the past is hurt for me? that i dont want to remember? you can just gave me the new you right? I wish to have happy memories with you... let me know the new you... can i?
9:29PM
No matter how much memory you gave me, no matter what happened in the past... its a past... even if one day i lost my memories and died... you dont need to bring me travel around to recover those memories... what lost is lost, you can never bring it back...have you ever thought of the past is hurt for me? that i dont want to remember? you can just gave me the new you right? I wish to have happy memories with you... let me know the new you... can i?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
16/03/2011
Today, Sakura misses Syaron... she feel lonely and empty... without his voice, his photo, it makes her feel pain... something happened between the 2 of them... Sakura got sick... a sick that maybe not be able to cure... Syaoran feels something wrong about Sakura, but Sakura denies it and pretend nothing happened... but deep in her heart she afraid to let him know because Syaoran will worry... When Sakura departs from her country to somewhere far far away that she may not be able to see Syaoran again... She drop her tears, once again... not because Syaoran didnt turn up but happy with Syaoran giving her so much memories... it is really a pain for her... they both have different feelings for each other... sometimes Sakura tends to give up everything ...even the memories for Syaoran...but seeing Syaoran always feel hurt when Sakura says that... she stop and hope to see him again... just once more...
8:44AM
It is a usual morning, Sakura waiting for Syaoran... yesterday she had a dream about Syaoran again...This is the second day Syaoran didnt talk to her... Maybe she is not important in his heart... he had many other people to care him... Sakura can be just a tool to him... by saying this, Sakura hearts had been polluted... She become uncertain of her feelings. Sakura just wish that Syaoran could tell her that she is important too... Maybe Syaoran is busy with his work... or maybe he is doing something else that Sakura didnt know... Sakura feels headache, her memories are fading... begin to forget many things...
8:44AM
It is a usual morning, Sakura waiting for Syaoran... yesterday she had a dream about Syaoran again...This is the second day Syaoran didnt talk to her... Maybe she is not important in his heart... he had many other people to care him... Sakura can be just a tool to him... by saying this, Sakura hearts had been polluted... She become uncertain of her feelings. Sakura just wish that Syaoran could tell her that she is important too... Maybe Syaoran is busy with his work... or maybe he is doing something else that Sakura didnt know... Sakura feels headache, her memories are fading... begin to forget many things...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
13 March 2011
How should i describe today? should i be happy? or should i be sad? I already trying my best to tell him what happened... but it seems like it didnt work... even though i know he wont mind what happened to me... i just cannot accept it myself... even though the feelings are the same ... we can only be brothers... that is what he really wanted... i really scared to lose him... i also scared to accept him... im afraid here... i dream about him last night... there was a car accident... i died in his arms... seeing his faces again... the memories are fading again... i slowly couldnt remember who he is or met before... he really cared me alot... he will pay attention on every single movement of me... he tried very hard to cheer me up the whole day... i just pretend to smile and laugh out... just to let him ease a bit... i know im not the only brother to him... he had a lot of them... and all of them wanted him to care them as much as me... even his ex hated me... im really headache now... how i wish to sit down and talk to him face to face with all the problems... why did i drop tears yesterday? why did he wanted to see me happy? why would he hold hands very tight to show that he wanted me to stand up? why would he angry when i continuously ignore his questions? all the memories i gave him was sad... but the memories he wanted me to have is happy... what should i do... i really dont know... i really cant make a decision now...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
02/03/2011
The second day of march, nothing special about today... Just that there are something bothering me... i dont know am i be able to do it anymore...as i dunno is he really dont want it anymore or he just wanna say it for making me staying... i still cant sleep peacefully, the nightmares just keep coming to me... i felt sorry for him, i lied to him that i sleep well the whole recent... yesterday had a talk with him... he said the promise still remains... am i pushing him too much? or he really wanted me as a brother? i really dont know what to do... and i told him i need time to think about us... i guess it is better like this because i can think what i really wanted and he can think about what he always wanted... i really cant hide my feelings for him... really wish he could just be positive ... he can be happy... even if im not around anymore... i know he will be... because he had many friends and brothers... he is not alone... not for me... you can just look at my photos then you will know...
Saturday, February 19, 2011
19/02/2011
10:05PM
Its been so long that i didnt log in to this blog and write about my life journey... many things happened for these few months... and now im in a relationship... with the guy i loved... he is very kind, caring, loving, and good charisma... he is quite different from other people... maybe this is why he attracted me... recently the nightmares of my past came back again... every single night i suffered the same nightmares all over again and again... if it wasnt the assignment handed down to me, i wont be able to distract from the nightmares... this seperation really makes me sad, but i will miss him everyday... even though he is not a 24/7 guy... somehow, he said i had changed after meeting me... i wonder am i being myself or someone else just for him? everyday im keeping a diary just to let me remember what he said and what is he doing... i think this is the only way i can remember him... my memories are fading... i couldnt remember much things compared to the past... hope the diary really could help me leaving happy memories for him as well as me... im really happy in this relationship now... so brothers dont worry about me after reading this... im not a baby anymore...
Its been so long that i didnt log in to this blog and write about my life journey... many things happened for these few months... and now im in a relationship... with the guy i loved... he is very kind, caring, loving, and good charisma... he is quite different from other people... maybe this is why he attracted me... recently the nightmares of my past came back again... every single night i suffered the same nightmares all over again and again... if it wasnt the assignment handed down to me, i wont be able to distract from the nightmares... this seperation really makes me sad, but i will miss him everyday... even though he is not a 24/7 guy... somehow, he said i had changed after meeting me... i wonder am i being myself or someone else just for him? everyday im keeping a diary just to let me remember what he said and what is he doing... i think this is the only way i can remember him... my memories are fading... i couldnt remember much things compared to the past... hope the diary really could help me leaving happy memories for him as well as me... im really happy in this relationship now... so brothers dont worry about me after reading this... im not a baby anymore...
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